July 11, 2018

I was never warned that happy pills had side effects. I took you in, and in turn, you took me to great heights. You took me someplace higher than cloud nine, made me feel alive, and filled me with the ecstasy I lacked but never knew. And when all came crashing down, no, you didn’t let me hit rock bottom. Not yet, at least. And with that, I felt secure.

You lulled me into complacency. I was satisfied with how things were. I was enjoying myself up high, completely unaware of the downsides. Even if I were, though, I probably wouldn’t have cared much either. I was too blinded as though I was a dark room suddenly flooded with light.

But along with the light, you brought monsters. And not just the type that hid in the closet or under your bed, but the type that won’t seem to leave your head. Uncertainty, Longing, and Doubt. So just when I was already too high up to even see the ground, everything came crashing down. You let me hit rock bottom like you probably planned to all along. The fall was just as great as the heights; the pain, twice as much.

What should have been the last time instead became a pastime. I took you in. Again. And again. And again. I took you in a hundred times more despite my body’s pleading.You were poison in my bloodstream; something lethal that could possibly be the death of me. With every dosage, I deteriorated. Except, how would I know and why would I care? I was enjoying every bit of it. You took me to heaven, and left me burning in hell.

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10 Uncommon Filipino Words

1. Awanggan

English: infinity
Definition: unlimited extent of time, space, or quantity
Use in a sentence: Sinta, maniwala ka ‘pag aking sinambit na awanggan ang aking pagmamahal sa iyo.

2. Balintuna

English: unbelievable
Definition: of such a superlative degree to be hard to believe
Use in a sentence: Balintuna man, ngunit hindi ko pa rin kilalang lubos ang aking sarili.

3. Panghiso

English: toothbrush
Definition: a brush for cleaning the teeth
Use in a sentence: Bumili ako ng isang panibagong panghiso.

4. Di mahapayang-gatang

English: grumpy woman
Definition: a moodily-cross woman
Use in a sentence: Siguro’y siya’y isang di mahapayang-gatang kung kaya’t walang sumusubok manligaw sa kanya.

5. Hatinig

English: telephone
Definition: an instrument for reproducing sounds at a distance
Use in a sentence: Ilang beses akong tumawag ngunit hindi mo sinasagot ang iyong hatinig.

6. Himaton

English: clue
Definition: a piece of evidence that leads one toward the solution of the problem
Use in a sentence: Bigyan mo naman ako ng kahit kaunting himaton upang aking maunawaan ang iyong nais ipahiwatig.

7. Durungawan

English: window
Definition: an opening in a wall, door, etc., that usually contains a sheet of glass
Use in a sentence: Tahimik niyang pinagmasdan ang pag-uusap ng dalawang anino mula sa durungawan.

8. Duyog

English: eclipse
Definition: the total or partial obscuring of one celestial body by another
Use in a sentence: Pambihira! Ako’y nakatulog kung kaya’t hindi ko nasilayan ang duyog.

9. Kagaw

English: germs
Definition: a small mass of living substance capable of developing into an organism or one of its parts
Use in a sentence: Pinili kong hindi kainin ang kanyang kaloob sapagkat ito’y marami nang kagaw.

10. Kartamuneta

English: wallet
Definition: a small folding case that holds paper money, credit cards, etc.
Use in a sentence: Handa ka nang mamili, ngunit handa na ba ang iyong kartamuneta?

7 Minutes

He had seen it coming but he didn’t try to swerve—not one bit. Just like that, he’s done it. He’s at the end of the labyrinth of agony, and he doesn’t know the way back. It doesn’t matter anyway; it’s too late. He can feel blood dripping and his head throbbing. This must be dying. He was in immense pain but it was nothing compared to the joy that he was finally breaking free from the chains of misery. He had planned this all along and thought today was perfect—dark clouds, roaring skies, and heavy, pouring rain. But was today really the day? Pointless. The task had already been carried out and there was no way he could turn back time. He closed his eyes, hoped for the best, and in the very last moment, was thankful no one was around. Everything was in his definition of calm and tranquil. Everything was just perfect.

He closed his eyes, feeling the cold, July air caress his body, and he was as peaceful as an infant held close by his mother. 7 minutes. Everything—every single memory flashed before his very eyes.

He remembered how his father had carried him up high on his strong, broad shoulders when he was 4. How his mother prepared him for the very first day of first grade. How he had his very first crush when he was 6. How every single drop of happiness was taken away from his life and depression and anxiety enshrouded him at the early age of 7 when his mother left them for a new family and his father turned to alcohol, drugs, and women as a place of comfort…

3 minutes, 16 seconds.

Despite all the years of Gehenna, he grew up to be a fine, young man. He swore to never be anything like his parents—and he always keep his promises.

Seventeen. He found a girl who meant the world to him but she never felt the same way. Twenty-three. He found a woman who loved him for who he was—a dark cloud, a black sheep, a misfit in his own bones—but soon left and settled for someone better because why love a messed up person when there are thousands of other normal, sane, decent guys?

4 minutes, 57 seconds.

He was drowning but he couldn’t help himself stay afloat with all the weight of the world dragging him down. He was suspended in space but he couldn’t bring himself down when even it was as though gravity resented his presence.

People came and went in his life. None of them ever stayed. He was now leaving for good, but who would even care? He had no one; not even himself.

6 minutes, 42 seconds.

Goodbye, world. Don’t miss me too much. He mentally chuckled at the thought and finally succumbed to the comfort of death’s cold embrace.